Been trying to think of something I could say to make things easier for you – I was finding it difficult as I already said so much of what was inside me. During the sermon today I was blessed to have some clarity come back to me after days of a dense fog in my head.
The source of that fog was me overthinking, everything. I needed to break down what was troubling me to it’s simplest form. (Duh!) – It’s not the silence that bothers me, however, knowing what caused it this time is confusing, so instantaneously – hard to grasp what could be going on with you.
Whatever it is, obviously its troubling for you. You know me well enough to understand how much I will try to analyze things, and that I am once again fully guilty of. But I also mediated deeply about what could be the worst, most horrible possible response I could receive.
Short of finding out you just used me in some twisted secret society of femme fatales that hold a ritualistic competition to see which member can drive a man to the most insane depths of baring their souls and emotionally torturing them. – Ok, that’s the worst most horrible I could think of.
Realistically however worst case would be you saying without explanation that you never wanted to speak to me or see me ever again and living by those words.
I’m accepting and at peace with that being what it is and where we are at now. It doesn’t change my feeling towards you, about you one bit. My love for you is an agape love, unconditional – there is NOTHING you could tell me that would change that.
Telling someone we care about something we know is going to hurt them is never a pleasant experience. I had a huge lesson in that myself last week when I had to tell someone I cared deeply for that even though she had given me every reason in the world to love her, I did not, for I can’t make my heart feel something that is not there. It tore me to pieces to have to say that, I know I hurt her. I never want to hurt another personally emotionally in my lifetime. An easy vow to heed as I’ve learned that truth and love are synonymous.
Don’t fret for a second on hurting me, I’m well past that. I told her the truth, I’ve told you the truth, decisions made on my own free will – I want to live in peace, if that is alone, so be it. I’ll be peaceful and alone. What has happened in the past is just simply that – it can not be altered or changed, just forgiven.
Tomorrow morning begins another week on this hellish job in North Carolina, dread everything about it except for the distraction it provides my mind.